We could be writing a blog about the World Series right now, but instead, we chose to do this. These are 6 dudes that you don’t want to face if you’re on the mound. 60 feet, 6 inches is just way too close for comfort. The fear of them taking you deep, calling their shot, or even attacking a mascot far exceeds the thought of striking them out. Enjoy the quick read, and follow us on social media! @thethreespot

All statlines of actual MLB players courtesy of Baseball Reference

Hamilton “Ham” Porter

Career Statline: 1.000/1.000/1.000 5.000 OPS 2 HR (2 Official AB)

Okay. He’s fictional. But what wasn’t fictional? Ham’s prodigious power. He was the Babe Ruth of the ‘60s, and would have honestly grown up to tear up the ’70s & ’80s. His eating habits probably would’ve cut his career short, but he wouldn’t need much time to amass ridiculous numbers, just as I’ve showcased here. In 2 official ABs, Ham blasted 2 dingers, one of which was a called shot, and the other was against stupid white rich kids. I hope they’re still regretting telling him that he plays ball like a girl. Plus, he was an awesome trash talker.

Courtesy of Brian Butki

Albert Belle

Career Statline: .295/.369/.564 .933 OPS 381 HR

Albert Belle was a scary dude. He was only 6’1’’ (and as a 5’9’’ King I use the word ’only’ is relative to MLB players here), but packed a freaking punch. Anytime he stepped in the box, he looked like he was ready to destroy that baseball and send it out of whatever ballpark he was playing in. No park was too large. Plus, he did it on the grandest stage, so the clutch factor makes him even more torturous.

Courtesy of Billy Batson

Pablo “Secret Weapon” Sanchez

Projected Average Season: 48 HR 128 RBI .649 SLG 21 SB

The GOAT of backyard sports. Maybe even all virtual sport. I mean, the dude had it all. It’s unfortunate we were never fortunate enough to see how his talent would develop as he got older. The kid had practically 80-grade power, speed, arm, fielding, and contact. 1st ballot HOFer, and I firmly believe Manfred and MLB should recognize greatness staring them in the face and write him into the hall, even if it’s on an honorary basis. Show some respect to best.

Projected Stats courtesy of Harvard Sports Analysis

Courtesy of Vhat D. Hehl

Randall Simon

Career Statline: .283/.320/.422 .742 OPS 49 HR 1 SA (Sausage Attacked)

Don’t let the statline fool you. Randall was nightmare fuel. Maybe not necessarily for all major league pitchers, but certainly for this poor sausage. I wonder what he thinks about when hears the name Randall Simon nowadays 🤔, would love to interview him.

Courtesy of Allen Rostron

Adam Dunn

Career Statline: .237/.364/.490 .864 OPS 462 HR

You want to go to the moon? Are you a baseball? Adam Dunn can take you there. The dude had LIGHT. TOWER. POWER. Adam Dunn, seemingly everyday on sportscenter, would blast moonshots that would be tracked for distance before sttacast was even a thought. He was launch angle before launch angle. He put the LAUNCH in launch angle. He’s the Godfather of Launch Angle who haunts the minds of pitchers, especially those that step foot in Great American Ballpark after this 535 footer in 2004.


Dunn’s homer to center field landed on Mehring Way and bounced approximately another 200 feet to the banks of the Ohio River before resting on a piece of driftwood. Technically, the state line begins at the riverbank. That means Dunn hit one to another state — Kentucky — and no one else can claim that.

Mark Sheldon, MLB.com

Barry Bonds

Career Statline: .298/.444/.607 1.051 OPS 762 HR

He needs no introduction, explanation, or conclusion. The GOAT. Put him in the hall. Thanks for reading, and with all respect to Adam Dunn, enjoy watching a ball that still has not landed.

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